I have been talking about peace quite a bit lately. I love my peaceful life. I love being able to provide a peaceful life for my family. But finding peace and holding on to it can be difficult when turmoil and pain attack our lives. There is no guarantee that you will not experience any type of heartbreak in this life. When heart break does happen it can be difficult to choose peace. But I have learned that choosing peace when you are at your lowest can often times be the thing that helps you up. So I am going to wrap up this series talking to you about why I personally choose peace.
If you looked into my life right now, without knowing anything about me and my family, you would see this picture.
You would see a fun loving family. Who enjoy one another. Enjoy their kids. Who love life and love each other. You would see peace. You would see a happy marriage with two happy children who are well taken care of and loved. You would see family vacations and calm evenings spent at home. You would see disagreements sorted out with ease most of the time. You would see what looks like a perfect, peaceful life. However, although this is what my life looks like now, five years ago my life looked completely different. Five years ago this was my life.
Five years ago my life was full of turmoil and pain. I had just experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. Five years, two months, and thirteen days ago I held my beautiful, perfect son David for the first and last time. I held him in my arms as he struggled between staying and leaving us. I held him in my arms as his heart rate dropped and it became clear that he was leaving us. I held him in my arms as the doctors unhooked the machines and escorted us to a private room. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath and I held him for a long time after he was gone. Five years ago I was at my lowest point. Five years ago I was questioning God’s very existence. Five years ago my life looked far from peaceful. I struggled with depression. I struggled with anxiety. There was no peace. Everywhere I turned all I felt and saw was turmoil. Getting up out of bed in the morning was difficult. If I’m being completely raw and open and honest with you I wanted to die right along with my son. I didn’t see the point in living if he was not here. Five years ago there was no peace. How did I go from having no peace to striving to always walk in God’s perfect peace? I realized that I could give up or I could keep going. But I couldn’t do both. I could not have kept going if it wasn’t for my husband, family, and most of all for God. If I didn’t serve God, if my husband didn’t serve God, I hate to think about where I would be today or even where our marriage would be today.
One morning after I had the worst night since David had died, I woke up and resolved never to get out of bed. I decided I was going to stay in that bed until I died. Then someone very dear to me reminded me that I had to keep going. She reminded me that I didn’t have a choice. I had people that were counting on me, people that needed me and loved me and that David would want me to live my life and enjoy it. Because his life was cut so short and he didn’t get to experience anything outside the NICU. I could have decided to continue on the path of turmoil and pain but instead I decided that I would make an effort to walk through the darkness, pain, hurt, and turmoil and find God’s peace. Even though I didn’t feel peaceful, I knew God wanted peace for my family and for me. I knew that some how a peaceful life could be reached. It was a long journey and I don’t have it down all the time yet. But losing David is the reason I choose peace. He is the reason I wake up every morning and resolve that today is going to be a good day regardless of what I face. He is the reason I decide every morning that despite what I face that day I will try my best to hold on to inner peace for myself and peace for my family. Because I want my family and daughters to experience peace when life is good but I also want them to realize they can and should choose to find peace when life isn’t good. When live knocks them down I want them to realize they can get up and they should get up. I want our home to be a safe haven for my children, my husband and myself. I want them to always know that when they come home they will find peace. No matter what is going on in their lives when they are kids or adults. Peace is important to me because life should be good. It is important to me because I believe we allow things that aren’t important to steal our peace and when something tragic happens like losing someone we love, we are already taped out. I encourage you today to choose peace. Choose to look for it. Choose to strive for it. Choose to hold on to it. It is just that important.
When I became pregnant with B I spent a month on hospital bed-rest and she spent another month in the NICU. I had quite a bit of time to think and spend with the Lord. Those days were long but I believe they brought me closer to God and closer to realizing his purpose for my life.
I hope that you decide to choose a peaceful life instead of one filled with turmoil. I hope that you decide that peace is just that important for yourself and your family. I hope that if you take anything away from this post it is that we can choose peace even when something tragic happens in our lives. I pray this series on Peaceful Home. Peaceful Family. Peaceful Life. has touched you in some way.
Until next time!